


The three of us...

by pixiedurango



Series: The Arya Trevelyan Files [11]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Confessions, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Polyamorous Character, Romance, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-09 12:41:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4349210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiedurango/pseuds/pixiedurango
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After having tried to deal alone with her growing feelings for Cullen, to get over it or just to ignore them, Arya feels that the needs to tell Blackwall about it.<br/>Because she considers it the right thing to do, not telling lies to anyone she cares for.<br/>She cannot know that her confession hits Blackwall in more than one way...</p><p>______________________________________</p><p>please note and understand: Arya is in a relationship with Blackwall. But she is also in love with Cullen. This love triangle thing is part of her personal story.<br/>So far we will always only meet one of the men in one story/chapter. That may or may not change in the future.<br/>If you are not ok with love triangles of any kind (or for one of the characters involved in here), just go on this time and wait for more Arya/Blackwall exclusive stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a sunny afternoon and Arya was sitting at a warm spot in the yards reading some reports, scribbling notes and trying to concentrate on her work. But her mind kept wandering and she was musing again, how to proceed with her feelings which were still a mess.

„Hey Filly. Haven’t seen you in a while.” Blackwalls deep voice entered her consciousness.

She had not been with him in private since they had arrived at Skyhold. She had not invited him to her rooms or visited him in his. She had been busy, of course, but also her unsettling feelings held her back, to sneak out at night to find him. So yes, she might have kind of avoided him. For she felt insecure being with him and not telling the whole story.

He had never asked her to come because he assumed she would call for him when she could spare the time.

Beside that he was busy himself for he had taken the responsibility of a flock of new horses that had arrived from Antiva. They were half-wild and needed a lot of training until they could be of any use for the troops.

But now he was here, right in front of her and her heart jumped and she was happy to see him and felt the sudden urge to run into his arms.

And that was the moment she made a decision.

„Blackwall.” she smiled an insecure smile. „Good to see you. Do you... ummm... have moment?”

„Sure, love. Is something the matter?” his face seemed to darken from concern for a brief moment.

„Let’s take a walk on the ramparts, if you don’t mind?” she got up and waved a young recruit to gather her scrolls and deliver them to her rooms.

They climbed the stairs and wandered around on the castle walls. She had grabbed his hand and was afraid of her own courage now.

„Arya, what’s wrong? Have I done something inappropriate?” Blackwall looked rather concerned. _So typical for him_ , she thought, always assuming it was him who had done something wrong. But she had no time now wondering about where this almost invincible warrior got so much vulnerability when it came to personal matters. She had to stop thinking about this, she demanded to her self. Otherwise she would never be able to tell what she was about to say. Afraid to hurt him. Afraid to lose him.

She shook her head to answer his former question and finally placed her self on the inner wall pulling Blackwall closer so he came to stand between her tangling legs. She placed her hands on his shoulders and took a deep breath.

„I have something bothering me. For quite a while now and I don’t know how to deal with it any longer without talking to you about it.” She was not able to look into the warriors eyes.

Blackwalls stomach clenched. His blood swooshed in his ears and he realized it was fear he felt.

Fear about what she was going to say.

Fear about what she possibly was about to confront him with.

Fear about what she may have learned about him.

Fear about what she was about to do with him.

He would rather have preferred to face a dragon all alone right now than standing here awaiting her judgment upon him.

He was profoundly certain that his so called life was going fall to pieces right in this moment.

But then she started talking and he realized that she knew nothing about what he had assumed she would. She knew nothing about his past, his crimes, his guilt. He calmed down a bit and tried to understand. It was hard to get because her words came unsorted and her sentences rushed out without much thinking.

First thing he was able to put together from what she was stammering was that she obviously confessed him her love. He was stunned for a moment and did not know how to react because another wave of guilt was carrying him away.

„Blackwall, do you even _listen_?” her words urged him back and he recognized that she must have mentioned something important while he was fighting his own inner battles. He caressed her cheek in a helpless gesture.

„Sorry, Filly. Sure. I do listen to you. I was a bit carried away by you talking about love. I’m... just not... used to hear something like that... So what ever it is. I can handle it as long as you really meant what you just said.”

„You are brave to announce something like that without paying attention to what I just told you.” her eyes seemed vast and way darker than usual.

„I’m a war...rior. I should be brave.” he finally managed to say. Trying to bring in a lighter note but not able to say the actual word out loud and barely able to replace it with a neutral term. He prayed she did not recognized it. „So, Filly, just tell me what ever it is and we will figure out how to deal with it.” he was about to kiss her but hesitated because he felt, that she was not in the mood for it. So he just waited silently until she looked up again and finally put it into words again:

„I have some crazy feelings for Commander Cullen. I cannot help it. It’s strange and I don’t know what to do or how to deal with it. Whenever we meet we start to lust after each other.” She rushed out the words, cheeks were burning and she was even a bit out of breath when she ended her confession.

He stared at her for several moments. Had to clear his throat and to fight down a whole bunch of feelings suddenly burning inside him.

The sudden anger and with it the urge to run into Cullens office and smack the Commander up.

The jealousy wrenching his heart just by the thought that there could be another one touching her.

The relief that it was just _this_ and nothing worse.

The fear of losing her.

The apprehension that he might deserve no better.

The suspicion that he in the end was not good enough a man, too old for her and in general no match for the Lady Inquisitor.

„I... I am not sure what to say, my lady.” She was well aware that he suddenly addressed her with the stiff and formal title he normally only used with that tone when protocol demanded it. Yet she could not give any reply, just glancing at him with burning violet eyes. As she remained silent, he finally resumed: „What do you expect from me? Set you free? If this is your wish, my lady, of course I will obey no matter what my feelings are.”

„Is this what _you_ want?” her voice was only a hoarse whisper. She felt tears rising up but she fought them down with all she got. She was not to be seen crying.

He stared at her. Face like a rock. Then slowly shook his head.

„No. I do not wish that. Though I am well aware that I am not worthy of you. But when you chose me I felt that it meant something. Something good. I tasted the sweetness of your love and I would truly hurt to lose it. So if you didn’t ask me to step back I don’t understand what our talk would be all about then.”

„Because I try to figure out what is the right thing to do. I am supposed to lead an organization powerful enough to shatter kingdoms. I have all the responsibility and I ought to have it in every part of my life. Beside all this politics and strategies and the ‚conquering-the-world-and-saving-everybody’-stuff I shall do the right thing also in my private matters. And I decided that the right thing to do is that I should not hide something this important from you.”

Blackwall closed his eyes.

Maker, she could not know but she was destroying him with her words. She could not even imagine how she was shattering him into pieces... Guilt was flooding his mind again. Even it might be just a minor thing compared to his own guilt, it troubled her a great deal. That was when he realized that even if she would have committed the worst of things she would still be better than him. Because she dared to confess even if that possibly meant loss and pain.

„So you are telling me that you and Commander Cullen lust after each other just because you decided you cannot _lie_ to me?“ he asked with a hoarse voice. He knew he should not go into details for his own sake but he urged to know.

„In a nutshell, yes.“

„Did you... did you... are you two...” he could not finish the sentence. All the words that came into his mind were either rude or not appropriate in any way. Or simply too hurtful for him to speak them out loud... bad enough the pictures they already summoned while he was just _thinking_ them.

Arya swallowed hard. Then she shook her head.

„We had... encounters. No... not that... well... we desperately try to keep our distance... some kisses, holding hands, embraces... One was the night before we departed to the Western Approach... are you sure you want to know all this?” she asked weary.

His face still did not show any emotion. But he nodded. Her behavior from time to time and some events early in the Western Approach now suddenly made sense to him.

„I want to understand.”

„I will tell you what ever you need to know.” she promised. Hoping she was doing the right thing.

„When did this start?”

„Just the moment I arrived at Haven. Awkward situations, exchanging looks, blushing, giggling, careless flirting... you know Cullen. And you know _me_.” she shrugged.

„That was long before I joined the Inquisition.” he stated motionless.

„Yes.”

„And you did not stop it after you and I... came closer?” he raised an eyebrow.

In the first moment she felt the desire to defend her self but that was not the point at all now. She gathered all her confidence and spoke: „Well first: If I’d have any idea how to make it stop I maybe would have done it long ago. But, to be frank, yes, I like both of you. Have feelings for you both, maybe even love the both of you. It doesn't matter. Both you are good and handsome men and yes I feel attracted to you both up to the point of wanting both of you in my bed. If it were just about me and my pleasure I would not have hesitated to go after both of you. In fact I would not even have _bothered_ about what any of you might think or feel about it.  But it is no longer just about me. I have to consider issues bigger than my lust or your egos... And I do care for you. Both of you. You are closer than my family and I don’t think it is the right thing to decide things that concern you without hearing and considering your opinions.  Second: If you would please remember how often you rejected, pushed me away until you finally were able to somewhat commit yourself... I never knew if you were even interested or willing to be with me... So I never felt the obligation to think about you exclusively... You may have changed that _now_ but in the beginning you must admit you were not very... _open_ . And third: It is _you_ I am sharing the bed with so far and not any other person. And I do it from free will, with great pleasure and all my heart.” she ended her speech finally being able looking into Blackwalls eyes again.

He had to swallow hard but he maintained eye contact when she raised her gaze. What he saw was a look he had never seen in her eyes before and he realized that it was fear.

„Arya. Filly.” he began, taking her hands she was nervously clenching in her lap. „I admit you gave me a lot to chew on... I cannot say that I like the idea of... well... _sharing_ you with another man. But I respect your intentions of telling me about that... feelings... and at least I will try to understand it. I don’t have the right to tell you what to do and what not, but will you grant me a few time to think about what just happened here, will you?”

„Sure. Take all the time you need. You know where to find me.” she sounded still a bit weary but managed to give him a little smile when he lifted her hands to his lips and placed some kisses on her knuckles.

„Filly. I am just an old bastard who had finally some luck in his life. I’ll need my time to think and to find out where my place might be in this mess. Just _you_ take care, promise me. You gotta save the fucking world, don’t let yourself get carried away by minor issues. Now come here. I think you really need a hug.” And with no further question he grabbed her hips and lifted her from her seat on the wall and when she was standing on her own feet again, the two of them melted into a deep embrace.

It was finally Arya who let go of him first.

„I will keep that in mind, Blackwall. And I am happy that you are on my side while I’m _saving this fucking world_. So I’ll go now and fight the necessary paperwork enabling us to do it.”

„That’s my woman!” he chuckled but the smile did not reached his eyes when he watched her leaving. Suddenly one last question came to his mind. „Arya?” she turned around. „Who knows about all this?”

„Beside the three of us? Only Dorian.” she smiled and waved a last goodbye before she entered the staircase.

 _Dorian_... _The three of us_... He was not sure which part of her sentence he disliked more...

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blackwall has a lot to think after Arya had told him about her feelings for Cullen.  
> He has the freedom of choice, but does he really?

* * *

 

Blackwall found himself in an odd situation.

He felt like two different people were arguing within.

One dark vision from the past whom he wished he could ignore and the Grey Warden he so desperately wished to be. The one who had come along all possible and impossible ways to fuck and the one who had finally decided that it would be more suitable to be somewhat more traditional when it came to sexual encounters not to speak of relationships.

When he was young and reckless, he was in for any adventure he could join and have lived life to the fullest. Later when things changed, when his life changed, he started to prefer the old fashioned way... One man one woman... Only once or twice after he had become Blackwall he had the pleasure again to have two at the same time... Nothing fancy, nothing deep, not too many emotions. But no problems either. In fact many years of his later so called love life had been nothing but brief encounters and random occasions to find distraction and physical relief with women he met on his... _journeys_. None of them seemed worth a detailed memory now. They were there when time and setting were right and he barely remembered all their names. And he doubted any of them remembered his.

Beyond that he denied him self to go back further into his memories. Times when he was someone else. Lived another life. By other rules. He could almost excuse how he was when he was young and stupid. After winning the grand tourney he have had them all and did not care about hearts he may have broken. Fool that he was he did not only waste his money but also his charms and opportunities to find true love. And to be honest he did not even care about love back then. Only concern had always been to find an arse to grab and some holes to fuck. His way had led him straight into darkness in any aspect of life and he had to drag his thoughts away from this time in order to stay sane right now.

So after all jealousy was kind of a new experience to him and he was not sure if he even got the right to feel that way. He did not own Arya and she was after all the Inquisitor. And a free and determined woman above everything.

She could do what ever she pleased and if this included to love whom she desired to and when ever, it was not for him to judge or to regulate it. But no matter how often he told that to himself there remained that uncomfortable itch in his consciousness.

And he caught himself watching closer now, whenever he saw Cullen and Arya together. He recognized how both of them tried hard - up to a high degree of awkwardness - to avoid getting too close with each other. They did nothing to encourage each other but the tension was almost tangible. He recognized Cullens sad eyes when she walked by and he saw her clenched fists when she had to stand next to the commander while checking on the recruits. Seeing all this left him with some dull and aching feelings of jealousy he could not help having them.

But of course, jealousy was not the point here.

He realized she could have Cullen in an instant if she just said one word and Blackwall still wondered why she had decided to commit herself to him instead.

_If she just knew._

He even had offered her to step back and she had denied it.

_Would she still be wanting to be his, if she knew?_

Her boldness of telling the truth even risking to lose him shamed him beyond everything.

He had not been able to say a word and he was not in the position to demand anything from her as he remained the coward he undoubtedly was.

His pain was for him alone and he knew he would stay silent what ever she did. Not that he expected her to do anything to shame him openly or let him suffer on purpose... But he assumed it would just happen sooner or later open or not that he would have to face situations that would hurt him.

He had considered to open up. Follow her path and telling the truth about his past. Making it easy for her to end it with him and finally be free to be with the Commander. But he just could not. He was not bold. He probably was a good warrior with enough skills for not getting killed too easy in the battlefields. But he was no hero. Far from it.

He could also easily use this odd situation to end it. He considered it. Using the opportunity to keep his crimes hidden, not risking to lose it all by committing way too much into a relationship he should not have started anyway. But he knew that he would not be capable of doing this either. He wanted her too much, he already was in too deep with all his feelings and dreams of a future that might never come.

Only reason for him to stay alive was her and the fact that she had to be safe. Because she was the only hope for this land. And – selfish enough – for him, too. So he had to go on protecting her at any cost. This was his quest now and he would do his job. His guilt was so much bigger and more than despicable. She would never be able to overcome it if she would learn about. No one would. For that it must kept hidden so he could go on to atone by protecting her and the Inquisition.

Beyond that he did not dare to think of words like love or to admit that he already loved her more than could be good for any one including him self. He was not worthy of her love and yet she loved him. He believed that she did, no matter what other feelings she carried with her for someone else. But no matter how much he loved her he was not in the position to tell her.

He finally realized he would accept everything she was going to put him into. No matter how much it would hurt him.

He hated this perception but he accepted it as only being one more thing adding on to his self-inflicted destiny.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Days passed by and Arya felt like a cat on hot bricks since she did not hear a thing from Blackwall.

But she had granted him time to think and she did not intend to run after him or to force anything that was not supposed to be.

Half she expected him to break up with her. After all he was a man of honor and traditions and she could not see him getting along very well with the always lingering possibility of having to share the woman he loved.

So she was very relieved when after nearly a week one of the little stable-boys suddenly ran up to her while she was on her way to the war room and handed her over a scroll. The boy must have held it for some time and he must have been on a side trip to the kitchen before finding her because the parchment was crinkled and over and over stained with greasy fingerprints. But when she broke the griffon-seal and unrolled it, the few words written on it made her heart jump in joy and anticipation.

 

‚ _Filly, in for an evening together? Will wait for you in the tavern right after dawn. B.’_

 

„You can tell Warden Blackwall, his request was accepted and he can expect delivery right after dawn.” she told the boy who grinned sheepishly from feeling incredible important. „And you should tell him also to give you one or two of the sweet apples they do hide for my war horse. For your efforts, kid.” The boys ears burned in a deep red and he nodded proud and busy and ran off to make his report to the mighty warden.

Arya smiled.

~ ~ ~

Blackwall was no expert in latest fashion but he could clearly recognize, if a woman put some effort into her appearance. Tonight she had chosen well. Nothing too fancy but still alluring enough to give him a sudden rush of foolish pride that he was the man on her side tonight.

She wore tight breeches from black buckskin, a broad silver-plated belt, black buckled boots ending one hand over her knees and a silky blouse matching her eyes and with a nice cleavage. He already knew Arya covered in blood and gore, had seen her in formal attire and casual clothing and he knew how much more desirable she was without any fabric on her. In his eyes she was beautiful no matter what she was wearing or not. But he admired the fact that she made this evening something special by not wearing her daily clothes.

He had risen from his chair when she entered the tavern and took both her hands when she approached and kissed her knuckles as he often did in a casual gesture of affection, having found a more adequate way to show his appreciation for her instead of the courtly kisses on the back of the hand as they preferred them in Orlais.

„You look stunning, Filly.”

„Thank you. I was happy to receive your invitation.” she smiled and she recognized that he also must have put some effort in his appearance. Not like he was wearing other than his usual padded jacket but he had brushed the dust off, was well groomed, the scent of some tangy soap was on him and his boots where shining. Plus he clearly must have put a lot of work into cleaning his calloused hands after the dirty work in the stables.

„You made a young man very proud and happy today, you know?” he smiled referring to the little stable-boy. They sat down on a small table in one of the quieter corners of the room. He had already ordered some fine red wine.

„I hope you gave him the apples I promised him.” she replied.

„One for every hand and one in every of his pockets for his siblings.” he smiled.

„You are a good man, Blackwall” she grabbed his hand.

His heart clenched but he did not flinch.

„And you are a kindhearted leader for not forgetting about the commoners who follow you.” he managed to say.

She shrugged but was still smiling.

„Well, he brought good news.” 

„You would have thanked him for his effort even if I had broke up with you in that letter.”

„Was that an option?” she asked, somewhat happy that they got to the point so fast.

He scanned her face for a long moment. Her eyes seemed suddenly darker than usual and she tried not to show too many of her emotions. But he sensed that she still felt insecure. He cupped her cheek with his hand and finally shook his head almost imperceptibly.

„No Filly. I could never do that. It’s true you gave me some hard thinking. Mostly about things I might not like very much if they would happen right under my eyes. But you are such a remarkable woman. I should feel honored that you think so high of me for I am not deserving all this attention at all. Speaking of love and such... And let’s be honest here: A leader like let’s say empress Celene would have taken me to her bed as she pleased and it never would have come to her mind asking how I do feel about anything. But you did and this says something about you I cannot ignore.”

„Well it seems you have far more trust into my leadership qualities than I do have sometimes.” she looked a bit gloomy.

„Trusting your guts seems quite the way for you to do the right thing.” he chuckled and leaned forward to place a soft kiss on her lips and finally she managed to smile a weary smile. „I am grateful that you chose me to be on your side though I am a nobody and not worth this honor. And what ever may happen beside that...” he shrugged, „I am sure it would happen anyway no matter what you or I try to object.”

She frowned. „Just like that?”

„Probably not. But I trust that you will handle everything in a...” he was looking for a suitable term, „respectful way.”

„This is all I am trying.”

„Then go on, everything is fine, Filly.” Blackwall took her hand and placed another kiss on her knuckles. He had thought it over and over and it was not easy for him to leave it all to her but what would he object? He did not want to lose her but was not in a position to claim anything more than he already had which was more he ever could deserve.

He tried to banish all the remaining uncomfortable thoughts from his consciousness for now and leave it to the future that was in any way unpredictable and dark and he asked her:

„What you say, shall we grab our bottle and go for a walk? I would prefer to have my lady in a more private place tonight.” her smile was almost cheeky when she nodded and they got up and left the tavern.

~ ~ ~

They walked alongside. He had slung his arm around her, his hand casually on her hip after a while sliding down to her buttock.

„Did I tell you that you are beautiful, my Lady?” he asked and drew her closer to kiss her.

„This is something every woman needs to hear more often. So yes you told me but feel free to add on...”she chuckled and leaned into his arms.

„Are you aware that we stand in the middle of the courtyard making out like young-folk with no place to go?” he murmured against her neck after a while of passionate kissing.

„I’m sure Vivienne greatly disapproves...” Arya giggled and he let out a low growling laughter.

„You are impossible, are you aware of that? Sure you are!” he kissed her again it felt so good and right. „But, serious.” he resumed after their lips parted, „Where do you want to go? My room? Or yours? The workshop? I would love to stay the night with you.” The path was set. He wanted her. He would never be able to not want her.

„Let’s go to the workshop.” she decided. „I love how you can watch the sky from the hayloft. How much of the wine do we have left?”

He lifted the bottle.

„Not much. But I am sure I have hidden a bottle for cases of emergency.”

„What kind of emergency?”

„mmhh... empty bottle while having a lady for sleepover.

„Don’t you worry, I’m sure this lady won’t mind as long as you are there.“

„Well that’s a relief. Shall we go then?“ He asked and put an arm around her shoulder and she nodded while wrapping her arm around his waist.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a fourth chapter.   
> It is so much nsfw that I posted it as a stand alone porn fic under the title "the world at your feet" (http://archiveofourown.org/works/4028656)


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